Dead Letter Art

and finally,.. concerns

News from Sunday, March 25, 2001 @ 3:25 AM

This is not easy. But it is necessary for our continued coarse, as I believe we are to stay the coarse.

Sorry about that crude message. You really confused me with that message that Ken gave to you. You sent it to me 3 times without stating anything and, well, I felt that you should have explained yourself a bit to me. I felt, was I to be a dog to have my face put into this shit? What did I do? Well, since the whole scene really rubbed me the wrong way, I can?t seem to shake it without trying to work it out via e-smell. So, to try to heal the red scare I have in my heart, I will type out what my perspective is and hope that you can respond. Likewise, if you are feeling bad or low or anything but good (like I do), well, maybe I can help to ease your pain a bit.

It all started back when Ken and Yasuko visited Japan bringing with them your first installment of F-disk. Inspiring enough as I heard a bit about it prior to viewing it, it had nothing to do with me; i.e., you did it and that was swell (highly understated) but it happened to encompass exactly what I have always wanted to do with everyone, or at least, to be a part of. But I was not included and that initially miffed me. Especially when you know it is everything I had always been pushing for ages, right? Collaborate, collaborate, collaborate is always what I have sprayed for years and years as we all drifted apart. But, you should know, I accepted it as a source of inspiration and, well, just hoped. Then you all started getting together (this time rightly so, in the guise of DLA) and I saw in you the need to have me in. Great, my hopes had been sparked, but my contributional efforts could only be minimal due to my being basically left out. As you all know, I had for the most part been left out for a sort of surprise on my coming visit back to the world. Well, all I could do was muster what may and writhe in sweet but confused ambition to do something for it?grandly? And, awkwardly trying as I did (how could I even grasp what you were doing), being left out for the surprise at hand, I felt very let down to see you produce a zine of such grand proportions and forethought without me. And that gave me the human quality I hate the worst; jealousy. Exquisite as it was to my sick and tired eyes when we had that first meeting at your house (and honored too as you had included my past works to the best of YOUR ability) I felt over-whelmed and a bit sickened that I had not had any control over the thing. I loved that everyone was being included but I could not naturally feel happy about being left out of the production and engineering you had so eloquently accomplished. Am I not a businessman myself? No part of my part was from me except it was I only in your perspective. You had even changed my beloved Freakish Carnival Utopia to something befitting you ? Weechcraft, which you know was not a good thing to do. ?Am I to be orchestrated?, I thought? And I was orchestrated to a point that I felt betrayed a bit. And so, not being as close then to my understanding of the whole matter at hand as I am now, I had to stumble through a very callus temporary denouncement of the whole thing until I could pull my feelings together. Woe to me for doing that. As many times as you heard me babble my dispute, didn?t you once realize how much I truly do love the whole idea? Didn?t you know that I needed time to digest? Well, you and Thane can be handed a nice plaque for ostracizing me the way you did. And that leads me to what had really upset my journey homeward.

I know you were busy with school so I left you with precious privacy to accomplish your finals study. And my wife and I enjoyed ourselves immensely as well during that time but only in excitement to see you and your family. Maiko had heard nothing but great things about you and yours (via me) and she had high hopes of meeting you, Jen, and Josh. But, every opportunity at hand produced nothing for our want. And when it came down to it, you planned to spend your time with Thane before the DLA meeting at Ken and Yasuko?s house. But prior to that, I visited your house with no real open arms. You had too much business to accomplish to even offer me a cup of tea let alone to work any personal business out together. And I know that time takes a lot away from us, so I didn?t hold it against you then. But that night at the DLA meeting at Ken and Yasuko?s house, you and Thane proceeded to insult and humiliate me, as I knew you would. I know your character too well when mixed with fellow attention mongers. You completely change. It all, as it always had, seemed to me such a great and confusing battle of wits rather than a nice peaceful evening of bliss. And then later you proceeded to downgrade my brother, for something he did not deserve. You publicly came out with a disastrously detailed story about how bad he is, disgracing him ? how he can contribute monetarily but not creatively, etc. It all really upset me, although I didn?t show it. And, wow, did you turn that whole star wars toy story around to make him look bad. Actually Jeff, you had already apologized to him before (after I had remembered and asked Bill himself about it) and all Bill wanted then, in return for the goods, was a drawing. Remember? And anyways, it didn?t even scar him much except for the integrity behind it. That?s the whole reason he jabbed you a bit about it. And to foreclose that business, that is still all he wants even still as I have told him of the great turn around your life has experienced since the days of old. Weech?s are pretty good at letting by-gones be by-gones. But the idea that you really didn?t want Maiko and I to meet you, Jen, and Josh kicked in when, in parting Ken?s house, you changed your plans of following each other to Moses Lake with us. Then you were talking about taking Thane with you (although later he came with the porcelain doll separately), ignoring the follow-trek-thought idea altogether. And, actually, since Jen, and Josh went to Ephrata, and you didn?t even try to contact me while we were in Eastern Washington, that would have been the only way for us all to meet. I really got the inclination that you didn?t want us all to meet.

But then, there was the great M-to the-L DLA meeting that seemed to substantiate everything. Did you know you and Thane didn?t once say hello to Maiko or even consider speaking to her? So we left to take care of some business of our own and came back to see you all gone (you left 5 min. before I returned) to play pool and drink. I heard later that Ken and Yasuko chased you down and all but only a few days afterwards. I tried to call you before I left back to Japan but I don?t think you had returned yet. I left a message.

And so, as it stands, that is what my memory entails. I?m at home now and am working slowly at building my studio back up. After that, I want to diligently work out my sorryful creations and will, like a good boy, contribute to the DLA thing because it truly is bigger than all of us can even fathom and, rather, something great to keep us together. I want to contribute but know now that I will have to have your support in letting me know what needs to be done. I can also help out monetarily as well.

I?ll, more than likely, accept anything you have to say about this manner because I really want to put it behind me and go on to bigger and better things. I think our friendship is too great to tamper with now. And the whole DLA thing is a Godsend. We should precede, old friend.

I also want to come clean with a lot of old promises. I have music, programs, and whatever I had promised prior. Let time meld us together and, in sharing, let us grow stronger.

Also, I have an idea that I would like to do (a business proposition). You have a cd-rom in your computer right? Well, I could buy you an internal cd-rom (a fast one too) for much less than an external one and you can just replace your cd-rom with the internal cd-rw. A cd-rw works as a cd-rom too. I just remember you saying you can?t upgrade your computer. This would just be a swap thing. Just an idea.